Wishing vs

assuming it is all my own creation, why this? Why a lifelong fantasy, why the veins on my hands pronounced like mountainous landscapes in a dusty desert. Needn’t I a child? Needn’t I a partner even? I do love my own mind. But what of partnership am I missing? Is it a helpful state? dependency – some psychologist and or spiritual teacher somewhere knows exactly. But the answers aren’t clear to us. Why isn’t psychology taught before spelling, before mathetics. Do you or do you not understand your own mothers, and so yourself? Do you or do you knot. Untie yourself from an uncomfortable marriage, partnership, parentage. WE kid ourselves. We see one side, the other, but rarely them both. What if coins were made of glass? Our – mica. Fuck. I brought mica for you. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t continue to be not pursued. Was he depressed? Or sour, as my mother diagnosed. Sour Pussy. Why . Perfection is unattainable, but I’ve come close on occasion. And yet. Those I meet who are significantly more perfect -0 a rarely – but I do meet them. Well – they’re not 100% interesting. Flickering lights. We are all. Tight rope. type rope. thinking. Where did I lose his attention? Did I ever have it? Did I ever have it? Why is he so sour? Is he sociopathic. Am I ever going to find just one solid, wooden, sturdy, knowledgeable, bookshelf of a husband? Do I want that? Or just etc. etc. etc. etc.